Things I didn’t need to hear today

Have you tried the fecal balsamic salad?

Come on, it’s February, people. The cruelest of months. Topping the list of things I didn’t need today was a Consumer Reports study on bagged salad. In their examination of 208 containers purchased in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut, they found, and I quote,

…bacteria that are common indicators of poor sanitation and fecal contamination—in some cases, at rather high levels.

All right, I’d like to blame this one on New Jersey. I mean really, who feels good about eating produce from New Jersey? But are you willing to take a chance on another bag of grass clippings? Here’s the bad news: 39 percent of samples exceeded safe levels for total coliform, and 23 percent for Enterococcus. No, unfortunately, Enterococcus is not a fancy variety of endive.

It’ s the dead of winter. I’m trying to eat right. I’m trying to eat, you know, salads instead of things I’d prefer to eat. It’s not enough that I have to eat like a concentration camp prisoner to lose any weight at all! Now I have to hear this! That my salad has poop in it. Thanks, Consumer Reports. Thanks a lot!

Okay, let’s not kill the poop messenger here. What can we take away from this?

Well, it reinforces the fact that nothing in a bag is good for you.

It highlights the fact that I really should just buy the head of lettuce, clean it, and cut it up myself. Right, like I have time for that. I am a busy man with lots of important things to do like… like… watch 24, damn it! (Can I send Jack Bauer over to these lettuce farms to kneecap someone?) Like do stuff on Twitter and Facebook. Like… fine! I’ll wash my rabbit food myself.

How come nobody ever gets sick and dies from eating pizza and Suzy Q’s? At least not for several years.