My rant on why I no longer call myself a christian

This is the kind of thing that tap dances on my last nerve. It seems that since Hee Haw is no longer on the air, somebody at Fox News decided that former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee needed a TV talk show. So, I guess he has one that’s full of all his homespun plain talk and humorous takes. 

Last night, his guest was author Tim LaHaye. The Huffington Post and Wikipedia both call LaHaye an evangelical Christian minister, but as far as I know, the man has no congregation or church employment. Indeed, what church could afford him. He is also the co-author with Jerry B. Jenkins of Left Behind, a series of horribly written fictional accounts of Revelation and “the End Times.” In it, Christians are suddenly raptured, leaving only a pile of clothing behind (turns out heaven is “clothing optional”) as the planes they were piloting and the cars they were driving crash and burn and kill many of those “left behind.” (Nice, right?) Then, in a sort of postapocalyptic West Side Story, the antichrist appears and initiates a new world order, those left take sides for a rumble, and Jesus comes back as Sly Stallone to kick some demon ass. 

I tried to read the first book. It was embarrassingly bad. Bad plot. Bad dialogue. Bad characterization. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. But Christians ate them up like they were communion wafers. Couldn’t get enough. Bought so many that they had to make a series of bad movies starring the most famous Christian actor, Kirk Cameron. (I don’t think Steven Baldwin had crossed over yet.) There were thirteen Left Behind books in the series (not counting three prequels he wrote afterward). Seven of them hit #1 on the New York Times, USA Today, and Publisher’s Weekly best-sellers list. Jerry Falwell called their impact “probably greater than that of any other book in modern times, outside the Bible.” Okay, Jer. 

As you can imagine, LaHaye absolutely printed money because of it all. Ridiculous, unsubstantiated amounts of money. Enough money that he threw Falwell’s Liberty University a cool 4.5 mil in 2001 to build a student center. In 2006, he gave them more money for an ice center. “Hey Jer, thanks for the endorsement!” 

So, on Huckabee’s show last night, LaHaye issued a dire warning that the policy initiatives put forth by the Obama administration are bringing the country “closer to the apocalypse.” 

“Our present president doesn’t seem to get it,” LaHaye explained. “He doesn’t understand that some of the things he’s introducing that many of us call ‘raw socialism’—it’s a different name, but it’s essentially government control and government domination of everything.” 

Not just socialism, but “raw socialism.” I wonder, does he mean “not fully cooked,” or more like the pro wrestling-kind of raw? Whatever. 

Forget that this may not be the fair and balanced journalism Fox thinks it is. Forget that one of these guys might run against Obama in 2012 and the other guy WROTE A BOOK ON THE APOCALYPSE THAT HE’D LIKE TO KEEP SELLING. But this was an unbiased news show. 

Forget the fact that even if Obama is doing that, socialism has been with us for over 100 years now and nobody has disappeared in a pile of clothing yet. Forget the fact that socialism is a political system; it’s not a religion and it’s not some Freddy Kruger who wants to slash everybody to bits and eat their flesh. Forget the fact that government is not even close to controlling and dominating everything–and never will. 

Forget the fact that this guy is a fiction writer and not a political policy expert. He represents a Cold War-era brand of Christianity that started in rural tents and Oral Roberts crusades but now is found in mega-churches and fledgling American political parties. It’s a weak-minded Christianity that needs to see a boogeyman behind every rock and tree. It’s a superstitious brand of Christianity that believes that God will make them rich while punishing the immoral—you know, immoralities like homosexuality, premarital sex, and abortion, but not so much embezzlement and seeing the occasional prostitute. LaHaye wrote a book in 1978 called The Unhappy Gays, that referred to homosexuals as “militant, organized” and “vile.” It also argued that gays share sixteen pernicious traits, including “incredible promiscuity,” “deceit,” “selfishness,” “vulnerability to sadism-masochism,” and “poor health and an early death.” (Shhh! Ted Haggard might be reading this!) 

His is a Christianity that rules by fear. It glorifies the past and laments progress. It desires to convert the world, not love it. It desires to bring judgment, not justice.  It builds huge television studios, auditoriums, theme parks, and thirty-foot tall Jesus statues (see Darwinfish post), but largely ignores the poor and the third world. At some point, it got into bed with the political right-wing of this country, so it now has a social agenda to push right along with the gospel. 

Benny Hinn: the Christian Elvis

Thankfully, I can report that this sort of 1950s era Christianity is slowly dying out with the Jerry Falwells and Oral Robertses and Benny Hinns of this world—and all their followers. Some of their kids have either run from religion all together or seem to be of a different breed. Did you know that Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker’s son is a tatted up and runs a gay-friendly church in New York City? 

Like the Amish of Lancaster County, however, there will always be pockets of fundamentalism “left behind” in backwater hamlets and, well, mainly in Florida. And, sadly, mainly in politics. 

But the damage has been done. They’ve pretty much ruined the term “Christian” for me. If pushed, I may refer to myself as a “Christ follower,” but if possible, I try to stay away from the labels altogether. After all, belief in God should probably be more like a conversation and less like a political bumper sticker. My own beliefs on things like God and Jesus and salvation and the Kingdom of God and heaven and hell are much more complicated. LaHaye would call them heresy; I wouldn’t have it any other way. My faith doesn’t fit neatly into a prepackaged theology. And on top of it all, the last thing I’d want to tell someone is that my beliefs are the God’s honest truth. Some are probably flat-out wrong. Thankfully, Scripture lets us off the hook, saying, “now we see through a glass, darkly.” In other words, it’s complicated. Everything is not clear as day, Tim LaHaye, so stop acting and talking and writing as though they are. 

Most of all, I’m sad for those who see guys like this—and all the fools like him—and toss the baby and the bath water right out the window. (Hey, that’s an abortion!!) Good riddance to religion and faith and Christians and God. Actually I’m okay with tossing many of those away, but I also think there are spiritual mysteries out there to be discovered, like beauty and truth and justice and grace and mercy and redemption. 

In the meantime, I’m pretty sure there will come a day when Tim LaHaye will leave his clothing behind and streak up to heaven where St. Peter will greet him with a stern look, an eye roll, and a simple statement: “Jesus wants to see you. And he’s pissed.” 

I will now sit back and wait for lightning to strike me.