This just in. We ARE all going to die. No, really, we are — save for you eternal night dwellers out there.

It’s just that I didn’t think we were going to go by spontaneous human combustion, which is where we seem to be headed with all this global warming. Just this week came news (is it really news anymore?) that 2012 was the hottest year on record. If the melted airport runways, raging brush fires, warped steel rail lines, and shrinking polar ice caps didn’t give you a hint, maybe this will put it in perspective for ya.

I must say, we out-did ourselves. That record is not by a little. If I know my graphs, I’d say that record is by A LOT! To paraphrase Roy Scheider in Jaws, “We’re gonna need a bigger chart.”

In fact, 7 of the top-10 warmest years have occurred in the last 15 years. Can anyone say dynasty? And it’s not just a summer thing. So far this December, the mean temperature in the contiguous U.S. has been 44.13°F. The average temperature for 117 years of previous Decembers is 33.08°F. So, you know, break out the short sleeves but… we’re all going to die.

We have to say that it was the hottest  “on record” and not “in history” because we’ve only been keeping temperature records for the past few hundred years. Who knows how hot it was in 1347? But I’ll bet the polar ice caps didn’t melt and that it snowed on the land mass currently referred to as Chicago.

Yeah, it has now been 320 days since the City of Big Shovels has seen an inch of snow.

Okay, that’s a rather misleading fact. Most of those 320 days consist of Spring, Summer, and Fall. That goes back to February 24 of last year. And although I remember some significant March, and even April, snowstorms, they were not really the norm. So, let’s just say that they haven’t had any snow to speak of this year. To be exact, O’Hare Airport has logged 1.3 inches of the white stuff this year. Even the temps are now around the 40s and 50s, like here in the Burgh.

This is the Chicago of my youth…

That’s the 1967 snow storm. I sort of remember it. I was 5. But I remember plenty of other big storms. I remember piles of snow so high that you could jump off the roof of the house. And it’s not just the snow, but the cold temps that are missing, as well. Man, can Chicago get cold. For years, growing up, it seemed like there was always one week each winter when the temps would settle in at around 10-14 degrees below zero.

Man, that frigid air would come rolling in from the Iowa and Minnesota plains to the west. The air felt like tiny razor blades poking into any exposed flesh. Your fingers would start aching after just a few minutes, even in gloves. That was winter in the Chicago I remember. Not this year. This year, they are having a Dallas, Texas-type of winter. Another fun fact: we’re all going to die.

Oh, and did you hear what they had to do in Australia this summer? (Remember, for them, summer is now.) Funny story: They had to create new colors for their weather charts. The new purple color goes all the way up to 129 degrees. Crikey!

Put another shrimp on the barbie, mate. And by the barbie, I mean your forehead.

It reminds me of Spinal Tap when Nigel had an amp that went up to eleven. Why eleven? “Well, it’s one louder, isn’t it? These go to eleven.”

So, enjoy the 60 degree temps this weekend, but remember… WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!