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Road trip!
A certain quarterback held a workout day in Florida for any interested NFL coaches. This guy is known as a “boy scout”, a hard worker, a great attitude, and he’s nice to everybody. Might be good for him to go to a team that doesn’t need him to start right away. Hmmmm. Who might be interested in making a quick trip to the Sunshine State to check this guy out?
According to this story in the Philadelphia Examiner, Mike Tomlin and the Steelers’ coaching staff. That’s who.
Making us proud
I don’t usually watch South Park. The number of complete episodes I’ve watched could be counted on one hand. I’m no prude, but this show consistently goes right up to the line of acceptability… pees on it… then speeds by it. More than that, however, I’m embarrassed to admit that I have a hard time understanding the dialog. The kids on the cartoon speak in a rapid, affected, mush-mouth fashion that has me reaching for my closed caption button.
Last night was their season premier and they had been advertising a Tiger Woods spoof–so I DVR’d it. Wow. Beyond all the vulgarities, I forgot how good they are at satire. In this episode, the U.S. government becomes concerned after noticing that rich celebrities with lots of money apparently prefer to have sex with many women. “Why is that?” they wonder. At one point, they decide that there must be something imbedded in money to make them this way.
Cut to sex addiction group featuring Charlie Sheen, Bill Clinton, David Letterman, and David Duchovny. When they show the class, I notice a character in the back wearing what seems to be a yellow and white football jersey with a black number 7. No way! I think. Sure enough. The addicts decide that their problem is not their addiction, but the fact that they keep getting caught. Therefore, they brainstorm on ways not to get caught in the future. Ben pops up and makes a suggestion: ”Don’t have sex with girls in the bathroom.”
If you haven’t seen it and want to, I’m sure they will rerun it about a million times on Comedy Central. Or, I believe they offer full episodes here. You’ve got to say one thing for the South Park creators. They have huge brass ones. They are experts at doing this kind of satire while not getting their pants sued off by these celebrities.
When Ben went out to that dive bar in rural Georgia, I’m sure the last thing on his mind was that their evening would be featured on South Park in just a few weeks. But I’m fairly sure he’ll see this as totally cool. He’s probably high-fiving a state trooper over it right now. He’s also thinking of how much his street cred will go up and of all the college coeds this will bring his way.
The show was funny, I guess. But seeing him on the show in his Steelers’ jersey was sad. Way to make us proud, Ben. Way to represent your team, your league, and your city. Way to honor the family that has promised to pay you more than 100 million dollars! Idiot.
The Steelers’ BIG problem
Do you smell something burning?
The Steelers have a big problem. Not a little problem and not a maybe problem, they have a big problem—and one that isn’t going to go away any time soon. Even if no charges come from Ben’s Georgia Panty Raid, no one is denying the fact that the face of the Rooney’s franchise—and of Steeler Nation—is a boorish, rude, selfish, immature pig of a man. In 2008, the Stillers signed Ben to a $102 million contract through 2015. This year, the Steelers will pay Ben $8.05 million. After that, he will make $11.6 million per year until 2014. Then, if he’s still able to limp around out there, he earns a whopping $12.1 million in 2015. That means the Steelers still owe Ben roughly $65 million.
Not all of that is guaranteed, of course. The NFL notoriously has the worst guaranteed contracts of all the major sports. Of Ben’s entire $102 million contract, the only thing guaranteed is $33.2 million (the $25.2 million signing bonus he already received, $4 million he received last year, and $4 million this year). Other than that, Ben’s expensive contract can go away if the Steelers merely cut him. If he remains, however, the money faucet keeps running. Here’s a scary thought: If Ben is this out of control now, imagine him with another $65 million of pocket change.
No question, Ben has been active in various charitable endeavors, including the donation of bullet-proof vests to police dogs in cities across the country. All I’m saying is maybe Ben should start focusing on being nice to people, too, because the stories of his rude persona are quickly become legend in this town. There’s the way his posse of “yes men” round up chicks (no dudes!) to party with the unshaven Captain Morgan. There are tales of a privileged Ben skipping out on bills and not tipping servers. (Very Tiger Woods!) And then there are the many instances of Ben refusing to sign autographs—even for children—and, basically, just being rude and arrogant.
A great story—one which is being declared as totally false by those close to Ben—is an escapade in Latrobe and a dressing down by a golfing legend. It is posted on an NBC webpage, Out of Bounds:
The Steelers have their training camp in Latrobe, PA—a town absolutely owned by Arnold Palmer. Near the training camp is Laurel Valley golf club. It has hosted several major championships and is a big deal club in the area. Ben Roethlisberger came by during training camp one summer and said he wanted to get on the course to play. The pro shop said that they would accommodate him but that members that had tee times would go ahead of him and they would work him on.
So, Ben looks around the pro shop and starts buying up stuff. Makes his purchases, then disappears to the first tee. He’s teeing off out of turn. The pro shop wrangles him down in the first fairway and demands that he return to the clubhouse to wait his turn to play. Eventually, he gets to go off. He runs into a bunch of people who naturally want his autograph. He says no to all of them. Doesn’t want to be nice to the people letting him play their exclusive track.
When he’s done with the round, Ben goes into the locker room in the clubhouse. He takes a shower and comes out, when a man comes up to him and tells him, “What you are going to do right now is go into the pro shop and sign autographs for every single person who wants them, and then you will never come back here again.”
The man who told him that? Arnold Palmer.
Perhaps the most underreported part of Ben’s Georgia episode, according to published reports, is the Pittsburgh-area police officer and the Pennsylvania state trooper who were part of Ben’s entourage on the evening in question. This might become a much bigger part of the story. Ben wasn’t on vacation. He lives down there in a house he bought. Do these police officers live with him down there? What is their official duty? Eyewitness accounts claim that these two “officers” guarded the bathroom door while Ben allegedly sexually assaulted the 20-year-old college student. Even if this is true, I’m sure they had no idea what was or wasn’t going on in there, but like it or not, they, and the forces they represent, are now linked to this little train wreck.
Of course, these are all allegations, heresay, reporting, and third-party speculation… but it isn’t good. As I’ve posted before, twenty-nine other NFL quarterbacks (plus Michael Vick!) have kept their noses clean thus far this off-season. It’s only a matter of time before investigative reporting becomes courthouse witness testimony. Yup, the Steelers have a problem. Which leads to a few questions…
(**UPDATE: ESPN is reporting that Ben “has yet to meet with authorities there, according to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation special agent in charge of the case.” First of all, Georgia has a Bureau of Investigation with “special agents”? Second, cue Keanu Reeves: “I am a G.B.I. agent!” Third, one of their “special agents” is in charge of this case. It’s Elliot Ness vs. Ben the Untouchable.**)
Has anyone called the Eagles?
They are sitting on three potentially starting quarterbacks: Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick, and former number one pick, Kevin Kolb. All three of them are not going to be there in August. The Eagles aren’t going pay for that.
Who is advising these guys?
Who is it that decided that when you’re having your big embarrassing press conference, you need to go with the full suit and no tie? It just makes us more uncomfortable for you. Why not a sport coat? Why not a tie? Seriously! With Ben, somebody said, “Go ahead and rock the pocket square, but lose the tie. People will think you’re a regular guy.” No. No, it doesn’t make you look like a regular guy. It makes you look like a businessman who is trying to sneak into the house after a late night of carousing. Not, I think, the look you’re going for!
Is anyone in charge?
Hello? Steelers? Is there no invisible fence you can create for these guys. Have you seen one of Santonio Holmes’ latest tweets?
That can’t be good, right? There’s no way that ends well.
Coach Tomlin better get their minds back on football. He better remind them that, no, they did not win the Super Bowl last year. No, they did not even make the playoffs last year. If they want to make the playoffs this year, they had better stop screwing around, stop acting like sailors on shore leave, and get hungry. One more year of missing the playoffs and those Super Bowl wins are going to seem like a fluke from many years ago. One little pink slip, and all that money the team owes Ben can go to someone else. Then, the Steelers’ big problem quickly becomes Ben’s big problem. Welcome to the party, pal!
The bargain-basement-bin binge
The Steelers got one of those phone calls last Friday. You know… those middle of the night phone calls that you just know is not going to be good news. On the other end of the line is some policeman, paramedic, nurse, or perhaps the offending party himself informing you that someone you know has done–or is being accused of doing–something stupid.
Be it riding sans motorcycle helmet or the alledged pursuit of casino hostesses and rural Georgia coeds, guilty or innocent, the Steelers have now received three of those calls regarding our own resident frat boy–Ben Roethlisberger. You can bend over backwards trying to explain away all three, but the truth is, Eli Manning, David Rivers, Drew Brees, Carson Palmer, Joe Flacco, and Rex Grossman all put together have never resulted in even one such call to their employers. The worst part is, the Steelers can only assume that it’s only a matter of time before they receive number four.
Mea culpa no. 1
I guess we can all look forward to the next mea culpa press conference with Ben in a suit but no tie–something that says he’s serious and formal, but also like one of us. I’m sure Ben can do without seeing Mike Tomlin’s disappointed face.
Thus, however this week’s soap opera turns out, I believe the team needs to be thinking QB sometime in the first four or five rounds of next month’s NFL draft. Charlie Batch is closer to being somebody’s QB coach than he is to taking over for Ben. As exciting as Dennis Dixon may be, his scrambling Michael Vick-style of play doesn’t really seem to fit with the Steelers, does it? We need a protégé in the wings.
After this past weekend’s events, I can only imagine that the poor Steelers’ brain trust was a little depressed, forlorn, and melancholy. And we all know that the best way to brighten one’s mood is a shopping spree. On Monday, the Steelers brought home all their bags loaded down with purchases. Don’t get your hopes up. This is the Steelers. They didn’t go to Lord & Taylor or Brooks Brothers. They are more of the Wal-Mart/Dollar Store/Goodwill-kind of binge shoppers.
First, how about an NFL veteran who has a Super Bowl touchdown pass on his resume? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back an item we sold to Goodwill a few years back. That’s right, Antwaan Randle El!
Next, he may no longer have that new-linebacker-smell, but after spending a year in Detroit experiencing more losses than GM, please welcome back Larry Foote! (**UPDATE: All right, ESPN radio snookered me into thinking this was a done deal this morning. It’s not. Larry and the Steelers are still “seeing other people” at this point. Hopefully, it will get serious again.)
(Sidebar: Imagine all the Steeler faithful digging through closets and basements for their old 50 and 82 jerseys. I saw some guy rocking a black and gold Randle El jersey at the Caribou this morning!)
And from Miami, where he was recently popped for a DUI in his Ferrari, please welcome safety Will Allen. We can only hope that he’s brighter than he was on February 20th when, according to police, Allen approached a police roadblock and, instead of following the detour, he kept driving toward a police car, stopping only two feet from it. He then revved his engine. Hmmm. Apparently this man has no fear. That’s good, right?
And, not content to only sign one college quarterback-turned NFL wide receiver, the team also signed former Notre Damer Arnaz Battle. He hasn’t had a really productive season since 2007, but gosh darnnit, he keeps his nose clean. Not sure we needed two more kick-returning-middle of the road receivers, but there was a sale!
Then there’s offensive tackle Jonathan Scott, a former 5th round draft pick who started 8 games last year for the Bills–where he played under new Steelers’ offensive line coach Sean Kugler.
And finally, after all the posturing and naysaying, the Steelers matter-of-factly inked Ryan Clark to a 4-year deal.
After holding all their new purchases up in the mirror for size, the Steelers’ staff took a long bubble bath and then settled down to watch films with an entire pot of macaroni and cheese and many pints of Chubby Hubby ice cream. I hope they are feeling better. Most of all, I hope they took the phone off the hook.
A snowball’s chance in hell.
Sure, the odds are against the Steelers making the playoffs, but hey, if you’re like me, you’re already sick of winter. The snowballs seem to be winning. I’m starting to like their chances. Luckily, KDKA got a CMU mathematics professor to calculate the odds.
Of course, first of all, we have to make sushi out of the Joey Porter-less Dolphins. Then, the Stillers are in if…:
- The Texans and Jets lose or tie to the Patriots and Bengals. Great… we actually have to root for Belichick and Ochocinco this week. That’s going to leave a mark. (CMU professor’s odds: 25%)
- Or, if the Texans and Ravens lose or tie to the Patriots and Raiders. (CMU odds still 25% — obviously this professor is treating all opponents as equal. How ridiculous! Who would lose to the Oakland Ra… oh, never mind.)
- Or, if the Jets, Ravens, and Broncos lose or tie to the Bengals, Raiders, and Chiefs. (CMU odds drop to 12.5% — but once again, who could possibly lose to the Kansas City Ch… oh, never mind.)
- Or, if Sienna Miller wins, or ties for, the Academy Award; Tiger Woods declares himself celibate and returns to Elin to beg her forgiveness; the Pirates trade low-level pitching prospects for Albert Pujols and Alex Rodriguez; and Cleveland is named, or ties for, America’s Most Livable City. (CMU odds are 0.0000000003% — yeah, the Sienna Miller thing doesn’t have a chance and ruins our shot for this one.)
But take heart Stiller fans. Put them all together and the pocket-protected CMU nerd says there is a 44% shot at one of them happening. (I want to see his work on this one.)
Wonder if he figured in the fact that Troy Polamalu may suit up on Sunday. Tomlin said that Troy “ran in a straight line Monday night and might practice in a limited role this week.” Well, I’m not sure if Troy was unable to run in a straight line before or if running in a straight line is the crucial skill necessary to get out there and bust some heads, but color me encouraged. (Has anyone checked to see if Ike Taylor can run in a straight line? Just askin’.)
Miracle on the mon.
(Okay, I know that, technically, Heinz Field is not on the Mon. We needed the alliteration.)
What else can we call Mike Wallace’s 0:00 second grab? ”The Christmas Catch.” “The Super Bowl Sequel.” “I’m Mike Wallace… that and Andy Rooney, next, on 60 Minutes…!”
Whatever you want to call it, what a last second finish! I have to say, there was a difference to this game from the past five. During all of the past five losses, despite how the Steelers played, I always thought they were going to win those games… right up until the final-second heartaches. 
This game was different. During this game, I found myself expecting collapse and defeat. My wife would proclaim that they were winning. I’d ominously reply, “The fourth quarter is still coming.”
The fourth quarter. It’s like the Black Death. It’s so inevitable, so horrible, so unrelenting. That’s when the world ends. (And it all started in last year’s Super Bowl when the Steelers D let a 14-point lead slip away.) And may I say, I was not wrong. Trailing 24-14 at the end of the 3rd quarter, the Packers would score 22 points in the final quarter of play. Luckily–and using every single second on the clock–the Steelers would score a lucky 13. And it all culminated in this phenomenal catch by a rookie wide receiver.
Let’s look at it again to make sure that Mike Wallace had both feet in.
Yup. That was sweet. Now, as Coach Tomlin says, “We’re not dead yet.” Maybe not, but serious questions still abound.
1) That onside kick with 3 minutes left and the Steelers winning by two. Tomlin claims vindication saying that if the Packers were going to score, he wanted them to do so quickly. Wow. And I was still thinking, Shoot, maybe we can stop these guys. Not Tomlin. He was waving the white towel on defense. Zero confidence. Zilch. Nil. Nada. Now he’s talking like he was right. I’m sorry but there was nobody in that stadium, or watching at home, who thought that was a good idea. It was handing the game over to them. You could see it on the Packers’ sideline during the replays. They couldn’t believe it. It was a big, fat Christmas present. Today, Tomlin is saying, in effect, “Meant to do that.” What he’s also doing is admitting that his defense stinks. Why is this team even in sniffing distance of the playoffs? And speaking of defense…
2) Coaching. Someone has to say it. During the losing streak, everyone wanted to tar and feather offensive coordinator Bruce Ariens. Meanwhile, defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau seems to have received a complete pass for the failures of the past two months. I know he’s like this legendary renaissance man or something. Hey, I’ve got nothing against him. I only hate him because at 72, he looks better than I did at 32. Let’s face it, LeBeau has obviously made some kind of Dorian Gray-like deal with the devil… and now it’s time to pay the piper. “You can retain your youth, but the league will catch up to your schemes in 2009. The only way you can coach a successful defense is with an athletic freak at safety. Remove him, and your powers go away!” I’m not saying fire him. I’m just saying light a little fire under his tuckus.
In case you were wondering, before this week’s game, here was the Steelers’ ranking on defense in the 4th quarter:
Ranked 27th In Opposing QB Rating
Ranked 31st In Pass Yards Allowed
Ranked Tied For 32nd In Passing TD’s Allowed
Ranked 31st In Passing 1st Downs Allowed
Ranked 10th In Average Yards Per Rush
Ranked 28th In Pass Yards Allowed Per Attempt
Ranked 30th In Total 1st Downs Allowed
(source: Steeler Depot)
Ariens schemed and coached his way to 500+ yards. He identified Packer cornerback Jarrett Bush as someone to toast early and often. He countered Green Bay’s “psycho” defense with screen passes and draws and flairs. Face it, Ariens coached a great game!
3) What was with those little pop-up kick offs? It’s like we’d rather let them start with the ball near midfield than risk a bigger return. It’s weird to see the Steelers playing so scared. Personally, I’d rather see us go back to the full kickoff.
So brace yourselves. The Ravens are coming. Here is our chance to seriously damage their playoff run and set ourselves up for another miracle. You just have to wonder, though, whether or not the Stillers have anymore miracles left this year.
Holiday Remix
Dear Ryan
Amidst speculation on whether or not the Steelers will win another game this year following last year’s Super Bowl triumph, the team’s locker room is sliding toward dissention, whining, and blaming in very unSteeler-like fashion. The latest rant was the usually mild-mannered Ryan Clark going off on fans and the media before vowing not to talk to reporters again this year. Ryan was particularly offended by a letter he received from a fan detailing all the ways in which he stinks up the joint.
Personally, I’m not upset the Steelers are upset. I’d be more bothered if they didn’t seem to care. I want some chair throwing and media rants in my losing locker room. I do wonder, however, about a few things that I have not heard anywhere so far:
A) Do fans really write players letters expressing their disgust? I am all for booing and boycotting and putting paper bags over your heads if that is how you, as a fan, wish to voice your dismay. But writing a letter? Do people write letters anymore? If you write a letter to a player, will he play better? Or is just a cathartic exercise? Will that player be all, “Dang, this fan just told it like it is. I better get it together!” I grew up a fan of the Cubs who have been losers my entire life. It has never occurred to me that a strongly worded letter by me might have turned the whole thing around.
B) Who writes this letter? Is it someone Ryan knew, or just someone who decided Ryan needed to know how he felt? Is this person an expert in football or athletics in general? If I had to lay odds, I’d say probably not. This would be like me writing Michael Phelps and insisting that he put down the bong, correct his back stroke, and get his lard butt moving through the water again. This would be like me writing the Nobel Prize-winner for physics and chiding him on not having a better handle on the periodic table.
C) And finally, with all the problems the Steelers currently have, is Ryan Clark even close to the top? I could see if this fan wrote Ike Taylor or Limas Sweed or Ben Roethlisberger or Heath “Dropsies” Miller. But Ryan Clark has been one of the hardest hitting, effort-giving Steelers week in and week out. He has had to hold down the safety position without Troy Polamalu. Is he the problem? Just wondering.
Betting on Pennsylvania’s Future
Today’s Post-Gazette has Governor Rendell all hot and bothered that the state legislature recessed for the holidays without voting on casino table games. Now, he is threatening to lay off 1,000 state workers on January 8.
Is it me? I thought that lotteries and gaming were supposed to be a supplement for state programs like education and such. I didn’t think that gambling was intended to be the lynch pin holding our entire state budget together. I’m no prude, but this just seems wrong. These games are essentially a tax on the poor and elderly. The state creates a puppet groundhog to promote visions of big winnings for lottery players. We are even supposed to give them as gifts at the holidays. It’s in the tradition of gold, frankincense, myrrh, and quick picks. Let’s face it. This is not something that rich people do. They don’t play the lottery and they don’t gamble in Pennsylvania. They go to Vegas.
State legislators claim the layoffs aren’t necessary. They claim the governor can make less aggressive cuts and that there is surplus money available in other areas. Besides, even if table games passed, they would not ramp up and begin creating revenue for many months.
I’m sure Pennsylvania’s not alone here. But if people need to be laid off if we don’t, by God, get blackjack by Christmas, hasn’t something gone terribly wrong?
Sam I Am
Now, some holiday cheer. Three cheers, that is, for recent Duquesne graduate Sam Ashaolu. In 2006, Sam was a recent transfer to the school to play basketball when he and several teammates were shot following a school dance. Sam was the worst off with a bullet in his head. His teammates feared he wouldn’t make it to the hospital. He almost died there.
He didn’t die. But he did begin a long, painful recovery. He had to relearn how to walk, and speak, and read. He suffered debilitating seizures and migraines. Today, he still carries part of the bullet in his head. But he also carries a diploma.
At a time when so many college athletes go to school to play and never graduate, Sam walked the floor of the Palumbo Center yesterday—a floor on which he never was able to play a single game—and received his diploma. Coach Ron Everhart moved practice so the entire team could be there to cheer Sam on. After the shooting, Sam inspired the team on their recent turnaround and even served as an equipment manager. Check out the words of Everhart:
A lot of times society holds people in a certain degree of esteem for things and they really aren’t at that level. But this kid embodies—whether you want to call it being a hero, or whether you want to call it, a guy who has achieved something great—when all the odds were against him, he’s the guy who succeeded.
Aside from the day I got married and my children were born, this might be one of the proudest days I’ve ever had. He’s a great kid and has been very inspirational to our team, to me and, I think, to our institution.
Sam graduating today, when you look back on where he was, Day 1… (Mr. Everhart he stopped in mid-sentence, searching for the right words)… He’s a walking miracle. Sam is absolutely a walking miracle.”
There you go, Pittsburgh. Your Christmas miracle!
Sam will go home to Toronto for the holidays and then will return to Pittsburgh to look for a job. Something tells me he will find one. The man’s a Burgher through and through.
A sad fall from grace.
Police were called to Heinz Field late last night where they discovered the Steelers’ SUV had hit a fire hydrant and then a tree in the stadium parking lot. A side window was broken. At first, the Steelers claimed that their courageous fans had come to their defense, broken the window with a golf club, and pulled them to safety with a Terrible Towel. Police found the team bruised and bloodied, and drifting in and out of consciousness–although the team claimed they had been in that condition all evening.
Later, the story began to change as other teams came forward to insist that the Steelers had seen them in the past few weeks and lost. First, a team from Cincinnati came forward and insisted that the Steelers had lost to them. Before long, teams from Kansas City, Baltimore, and Oakland had come forward with grainy videotape showing the Steelers losing there as well. This morning, a lowly, Meth-addicted, unemployed team from a mobile home park in Cleveland became the latest to join the parade. Sources around the league were shocked at this latest revelation. One unnamed source in the league said, “I just can’t believe that the Pittsburgh Steelers–a team that had it all–would lower themselves to go ‘slumming’ like this.”
Indeed, the Steelers’ fall from grace has been stunning. Just 5 weeks ago, the team seemingly had it all: a Super Bowl trophy, an impressive 6-2 record, and millions of devoted fans. Most teams in the league would do anything to have that kind of season. Now, their season and reputation is in shambles, and their fans are in shock.
Meanwhile, the national media has descended on Pittsburgh to see how this plays out. Viewers in Cincinnati, Baltimore, and Cleveland can’t seem to get enough of this story. There is already speculation about how this will affect the team’s many endorsement deals. Head and Shoulders is upset that people hardly ever get to see Troy Polamalu’s hair anymore. UPMC is said to be looking for a “healthier” organization. They were said to be looking at the Pittsburgh Pirates.
Sources close to the situation claim that the Steelers and their fans have agreed to a 10-day separation. “It’s probably for the best,” said someone close to Steeler nation. “There’s a lot of hurt, anger, and betrayal right now. They need time to work this out in private, away from the national media and all the distractions. Trust needs to be reestablished. This is going to take some time. You don’t fix something like this overnight.”
A curse upon thee.
“For the Lord himself will send his personal curse upon you. You will be confused and a failure in everything you do.” (Deuteronomy 28:20)
Asked what it will take for him to play again this season, Polamalu said, “A whole lot of feeling. A whole lot of prayers. God willing, hopefully, I’ll be able to play. We’ll see what the doctor says.”
Dun-dun-DUNNNNNNN! Smitten with a curse. A personal curse of God no less. Troy can do all the feeling and praying he wants, but it doesn’t sound like he will be playing any time soon. And Stilladog’s observation at Steel City Slant is correct: Was Troy really necessary on the field goal unit? If losing him is going to reduce your season to post-apocalyptic devastation, was that a risk the Steelers really needed to take?
Still, there is no doubt from whence this dastardly curse cometh. It cometh from thee, EA Sports. It cometh from thee, John Madden!
For a decade now, Madden’s football game cover curse has supplanted Sports Illustrated as the most diabolical, the most crippling, the most evil curse in all of sports! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present as evidence:
Madden 99 — Garrison Hearst (suffers a broken leg next season)
Madden 2000 — Barry Sanders (retires abruptly before next season, obviously paralyzed by the curse’s power)
Madden 01 – Eddie George (production next season drops off the charts)
Madden 02 — Daunte Culpepper (season ending knee injury)
Madden 03 — Marshall Faulk (leg injury)
Madden 04 – Michael Vick (Preseason broken leg giving him more time to do things with his pets)
Madden 05 – Ray Lewis (injuries limit him to 6 games)
Madden 06 – Donovan McNabb (season ending sports hernia)
Madden 07 – Shaun Alexander (broken foot, production drops and has never returned)
Madden 08 – Vince Young (loses confidence and is benched for a year)
Madden 09 — Brett Favre (goes to the Jets, stinks up the joint, tears bicep, and contemplates retirement… again)
Madden 10 — Troy Polamalu and Larry Fitzgerald (Troy injures both knees. Fitzgerald currently quivering in a closet somewhere.)
Troy thought he was bigger than the curse. Pittsburgh thought he was bigger than the curse. What we didn’t realize was that this is a Biblical-plague-of-locusts-three-rivers-of-blood-frogs-in-your-pantry-rath-of-God kind of curse. You don’t wish that away. You don’t play through it. You nod your head at the Big Guy and say, “Touché, compadre. You win this round.”
Then you send a message to Cedric Benson, Drew Brees, Adrian Peterson, Maurice Jones-Drew, Chris Johnson, Tom Brady, and Peyton Manning saying, “If Madden calls you next summer and offers you the cover: Go for it!”
Hell hath no fury…
I’m really trying to get away from sports stuff—after all, there’s more to Pittsburgh than sports, right? I said, “Right!?!?” I try, but they keep doing these bat-shit crazy things!
First, there’s Coach Tomlin layin’ the smack down. “We will unleash hell here in December because we have to. We won’t go in a shell. We’ll go into attack mode, because that’s what’s required.”
Wow. So much to cover. PittGirl at That’s Church started things off by wondering why hell wasn’t released sooner. I agree. Doesn’t it seem like November 1 would be a good time for hell to make its first appearance? It’s as if hell is behind glass somewhere in Heinz Stadium with a sign reading, “Break glass if you go on a three-game losing streak, refuse to cover kick-offs, and can’t even stop the freakin’ Chefs from driving all the way down the field on your sorry butts!” In that specific case, then I guess Coach would be right. This is “what’s required.”
On the other hand, I’d say that hell has pretty much been having its way with Steeler fans who have had to endure two beatings at the hands of the Bungles and two overtime debacles. Now we face a big-time trap game against Oakland. Shouldn’t be, but it is. Go ahead. Break the glass!
Then, ladies, there is Grady Sizemore who is apparently fighting the posting of “nearly nude” pictures that were “stolen” from his girlfriend’s email. Hmmm. One of these days the kids are going to learn that nakedness, significant others, and digital photography always ends badly. “I’m sure nobody would ever get their hands on these.” They will. Book it. Guaranteed. They will. In the meantime, Major League Baseball security is working feverishly to threaten all kinds of Websites with Luke Ravenstahl-style lawsuits after the photos started appearing across the Net on Sunday. So, ladies, if you see one of those pictures, look away and report it! I’m serious! And whatever you do, don’t you dare Google “Sizemore.”
In other news, Pirates’ closer Matt Capps is offering near naked pictures of himself to whoever will look. So far, there are no takers.
(Bow-chicka-bow-bow!)
And speaking of the Buccos. If you go into any area Marshall’s, Dress for Less, or the Salvation Army, don’t be surprised to see the Pirates in the next aisle searching hard for those holiday bargains. Example #1 is their latest rumored target: Justin Duchscherer. (Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?) After a promising debut in 2008, Justin never threw a pitch last year. He spent it having surgery on his hip and elbow. Oh, and then he was diagnosed with clinical depression. And this was before the Pirates expressed interest! (Ba-dum-bum. I’m here all week. Try the veal!) Not to worry, however. His agent is assuring all interested teams… that he can still be a successful pitcher? Nope. He’s assuring teams that Justin is “a happier and healthier person.” Hey, there’s his agent now!
