My sad panda week
Sorry to be AWOL most of this year. This has been a week.
It started great by taking MLK Day off (no, I don’t get it off) in order to get some stuff done. Check. Mrs. Carpetbagger was off to Arizona with her niece, The Princess, visiting my parents. So I was “baching it” with the dog. Monday was fine. I thought I could afford it even though I am carefully managing my dwindling vacation/sick days for a trip we are taking in February.
Tuesday morning, I was up and out bright and early in order to tackle all the missed work, emails, and messages from my three-day weekend. Turned the key in the ignition. Nothing. Not a cough or sputter. Called Triple-A, hoping it was just battery but knowing that would be far too easy. Sure enough, the first dude checked the battery and generator and everything was fine. He suspected either the starter or a fuse that drove the starter. Well, we know it’s not going to be the fuse, don’t we? After the second Triple-A guy towed the car to my mechanic, I set off for Mrs. Carpetbagger’s car… Doh! Of course, it was at the airport. I really couldn’t take more time off this week and it was already 9:30am. I called Enterprise Rent-a-car because they pick you up. As I’m totaling up what all of this was going to cost me, I had a thought: Hey, if I can just get to the airport, I could get the other car! To pull this off would entail a) finding someone to take me to the airport at 9:30am on a Tuesday, and b) Mrs. Bagger answering her phone at 7:30am in Phoenix to tell me where it was located in extended parking. Eureka. Both points were solved on the first try, and I was soon going westward to the airport to get the car before going east to the office in Westmoreland County. Welcome to Tuesday.
Wednesday, I was trying to get a new contact lens to replace the one I had lost the previous week. No dice. I hadn’t been seen by the eye doc in two years. They weren’t going to write a prescription for a new lens without an exam. Doh! More time off. Of course, the 11:30am appointment lasted for three hours. And man, did they work me over. My eyes, as it turns out, are quite the medical phenomenon. After four different drops I was fully dilated, checked for glaucoma, and given a topography for my corneas (like the one on the left). 
Somewhere in my past, some doctor had pronounced that my eyes have what is called Keratoconus–corneas that are cone-shaped instead of dome-shaped. Hard, gas-permeable contacts work well on this condition to provide a proper shape. One of the two doctors I saw on Wednesday disagreed.
This second doc was some sort of big whoop-de-doo eye specialist and surgeon who teaches at Pitt. This means that he is super smart but has lousy bed-side manners. He was staring into my eyes, shining lights at them, ordering me to move them around, and dictating notes to a furiously scribbling nurse/assistant/student. Words were being thrown around with no context. Words like thinning… degenerative…. pellucid. In my mind, of course, I’ve already decided that I’m going blind. Maybe a telethon can be held. Maybe my dog will learn to obediently lead me safely around. (Not likely. She’d get me killed on day one! “What do you mean cars aren’t made of marshmallows?”) Maybe I can develop a world-class music career like Stevie Wonder! Maybe my other senses will become so finely tuned that I will be able to solve crimes! Yeah, I can go that far that quickly. Finally, the doc decided to talk to me… you know, the patient, using normal words. He said that what I actually have is called Pellucid Marginal Degeneration.
Aw, that can’t be good, right?
It actually means that my corneas are weakened around the edges, causing the eye to be shaped like a beer-belly instead of like the Astrodome. See? It also turns out that one of the benefits of getting older is that by your forties, your eyes stiffen, pretty much like every other joint in the body. In this case, however, the stiffening tends to stop or significantly slow down the degeneration. Score one benefit for the aging process! Long story shot (too late!), it’s why I can’t see well; it’s why I see better with contacts than with glasses; and it’s why I’m not a candidate for Lasik surgery. The doc did tell me that there is a surgery for it but it’s not approved in the U.S. He said they have sent some patients to Toronto to have it done. What!? They send people to other countries for procedures that are not approved here? Is it done in the back of a van by a doctor who calls himself Carlos? It costs 5 to 12 grand per eye and they don’t take insurance. Yeah, uh, thanks, doc, but I think I’ll take my chances with the contacts.
After the three-hour torture session, my eyes were so dilated that I couldn’t see anything up close. I was able to drive to my office because I was fine for anything more than ten feet away. But reading… looking at a computer… just about anything I could hold in my hands… all of it looked like someone had pixelated it out. I don’t know what they put in my eyes but they really weren’t back to normal until late on Thursday.
Anyhoo… until my contacts arrive, I’m still sort of vision-challenged for reading and computers. Just doing this post is starting to give me a headache.
By this morning, the car is fixed and Mrs. Bagger is back. Now, anytime she asks me to do something unpleasant, I can just look at her with my sad panda face and say, “Did you forget that I have Pellucid Marginal Degeneration?” I plan to get out of doing tons of stuff!
And I’m contacting Bono, Rihanna, and Jay-Z to write me a song for the telethon. Something simple. “We Are the World” meets “Hope for Haiti.” Something like that. We can wipe out PMD in our lifetime. Won’t you give now?
Steeler fans deal with disappointment in different ways
It’s horrible to think that one might actually empathize with Adolph Hitler. But damn, I know just how he feels.
As we throw dirt on another Steeler season, my mother sent me pics from the 2005 funeral of Jimmy Smith. Long-time Yinzers may be familiar with this but since it occurred three months before my arrival in town, I was not. This Alabama resident was such a Steelers fan that this is the way he wanted to go out.
Jimmy may be recently deceased but he’s looking good in his black and gold PJs while forgoing the coffin for an easy chair. And don’t miss the table. It holds his can of beer and a pack of Newports.
And what funeral would be complete without Steelers’ highlights playing on TV. Jimmy may be dead but he’s not going out to any sappy organ music. And I’m sure they’ve edited out all the negative plays, just like in heaven.
Plenty of room for mourners. Put on your best jersey. Wave your Terrible Towel. Jimmy is going home in style. He’s hanging with Myron Cope these days. Don’t feel sorry for him. Feel sorry for the rest of us who now must deal with the off-season, NBA basketball, and the month of February.
Repent! The end is near!
All right. It’s time to get off the 2012 posting schneid. The ol’ pendulum swung a little too far into vacation mode over the holidays, and then a little too far into back to work mode when they were over. Nevertheless, we are finally back.
Remember this guy?
His name is Rollen Stewart and throughout the late 70s, he showed up at nationally televised golf tournaments, NBA Finals, baseball and football games, and even Charles and Diane’s wedding. And despite the efforts by TV executives to exclude him, he would inevitably end up on screen at some point, acting all crazy and pointing at the slogan on his t-shirt. I guess he thought that everyone would run to their Bibles, look up that verse, and immediately fall to their knees. I wonder if that ever happened. I also remember wondering how Rollen had both the money and time to go to all those events.
In 1992, Stewart’s fervor turned felonious when he took a hotel maid hostage at a hotel near LAX. He offered to release her if he could have a few moments of airtime on every media network. He didn’t get his wish. When he threatened to start shooting at approaching airplanes, the patience of law enforcement ran out. His room was stormed; he was taken into custody; and he eventually received three consecutive life sentences.
Like most other Burghers, I subjected myself to the shock and awe of losing to the Tim Tebow-led Denver Broncos on Sunday. It was not as devastating to me as to the many life-long, live-and-die Stiller yinzers out there. My band wagon ticket was only punched back in 2005. But I know that life in Pittsburgh is that much more interesting when the Steelers are still winning. Any year that they fold up their tent before the Super Bowl makes for a longer, colder winter. (Even when the weather isn’t that much colder!) This is doubly troublesome when the Penguins continue to be concussed and mediocre. It’s not a good sign when Pittsburgh is looking forward to baseball season.
The irritation of losing was compounded by the obnoxious Tebow-files who insisted that by some sort of divine miracle, God Himself nudged the Broncos to victory. Now, I fully realize that probably 80% of this is just people having fun. Still, it seems to push actual devout faith into superstitious activities such as rain dancing, animal sacrifice, and talismans. It’s Rollen Stewart jumping in front of the television cameras all over again. It’s one thing when opponents of Christianity do this, but it’s quite another when evangelicals willingly go there, trying to use Tebow as some kind of supercharged commercial to better promote God before an unbelieving world. To think that his football performance would compel a doubter into full-throated praise of the Almighty.
Then there was his passing total: 316 yards (80 of which came on one play in overtime). Remember Rollen’s t-shirt? 316. It’s an omen (even though Christians aren’t supposed to believe in omens, but I digress). It suddenly became a Canton-worthy achievement. In regulation, Tebow was 9 for 20 for 236 yards. For any objective observer, those would be Rex Grossman-type numbers. But for Tebow-files, it was the football version of The Natural. Lights exploding. Sparks flying. Cue the sappy orchestra. Forget the fact that the Steelers’ running back had never run for 100 yards in a game in his life. Forget the fact that our QB was playing with a walker. Forget the fact that 2/3 of our defensive line limped off the field in the first quarter, taking away any kind of a pass rush. Forget the fact that our starting safety was in street clothes because Denver’s thin air took out his spleen the last time he played there. Forget the fact that the Steelers would have lost by 20 to a real quarterback. Forget all of that. Cue Tim’s final pose for the cameras.
Cue the Pittsburgh mayor paying off a lost bet…
Sour grapes from a Pittsburgh observer? Indeed. I fully admit it: I’m conflicted over the whole thing. I think it’s a religious bunch of man-made hooey. I think it’s a desperate attempt of some believers trying to grab a flukie football moment and say, “There! See? See what faith will do?” Only what about Troy Polamalu’s faith? What about all the tragedy that occurred in the world while God was busy fixing the end of a football game? When Tim gets creamed by the Patriots next week, do we read anything about God into that? Probably not.
Of course, the other part of my conflicted dilemma is that on Sunday, I will be rooting for Tim Tebow to pray down miraculous fire from heaven to smote the evil, Satan-worshipping New England Patriots. You know I will. I’ll be pulling for that miracle like every other Bible thumper who pins God’s reputation on Tim Tebow’s 5-cent arm.
God, help me. Please make it stop.
Addendum: This was post number 327 on Carpetbaggery. Can you imagine if it had been 316? So close. That would have truly been a sign.
What a year!
Not even halfway through this year, I remember thinking that 2011 was already a remarkable year for major events happening. The rest of the year did not disappoint.
Certainly, the major themes for the year have been global unemployment and the resulting Arab Spring and Occupy movements. Any other year, you’d think that the weather would be the big story of the year, what with record Texas wildfires, Mississippi floods, multi-state tornadoes, Hurricane Irene going all the way to Vermont, and earthquakes in Virginia and Oklahoma.
2011 saw the end of several eras, including NASA’s shuttle program, Oprah, Border’s, and any respectability that college football ever had.
Month by month, the news just took it to a new level all year-long with all things tragic, heartbreaking, and awe-inspiring.
JANUARY
Right off the bat, it seemed that this was going to be a notable year when a deranged gunman shot U.S. Senator Gabby Giffords and nineteen others. Six were killed, including a sitting federal judge and 9-year-old Christina Taylor Green, who was born on 9/11.
On January 11, Tunisia’s president fled the country, leading to a series of unrest called the Arab Spring that would shake the political landscape of the entire Middle East. By the 25th, protests had begun in Cairo.
FEBRUARY
Incredibly, and, for the most part on the demonstrator’s side, nonviolently, Egyptian President Mubarak left office after a 3-decade-long reign.
MARCH
You know, in most years, an earthquake that leads to a devastating killer tsunami that leads to a nuclear meltdown would probably qualify as the biggest story of the year. In 2011, we just called it “March.” When you think about it, it sounds like the plot to a bad Michael Bay film that would sound too incredible when pitched. But on March 11, it happened. The toll of the dead and missing was over 20,000. But who knows how many others will succumb to the radiation leaked into Japanese ground and water.
APRIL
From April 24-27, the U.S. saw the largest outbreak of tornadoes in world history, easily doubling the old record. In that four-day period, there were 353 tornadoes in 21 states that killed 321 people. The most notable was the April 27 storm that ravaged Tuscaloosa, Alabama.
All right, compared to the rest, it’s probably not that big of a story but we need something hopeful by now, don’t we. The best I can give you was the April 29 nuptials of Will and Kate. Seriously, that’s all I’ve got for ya.
MAY
Back to the shoot ‘em up video game that was 2011, we have the stunning death of Osama Bin Laden on May 1 at the hands of Seal Team 6 and a dog named Cairo. We all know that evil world villains die in 3′s, so let’s call this #1.
May 14th saw the arrest and sexual allegations against Dominique Straus Kahn, head of the International Monetary Fund. As big a story as this was at the time, much of it was discredited along with the reputation of the accuser.
On May 22, the town of Joplin, Missouri, was nearly wiped off the map by another killer tornado.
JUNE
June was pretty quiet except for the Twitter scandal and resignation of Congressman Anthony Weiner. All public figures took notice that sharing stuff on Twitter is not a private conversation.
JULY
July was a rough month for the Brits. It began on July 4 (ironically, American Independence Day) with the breaking phone hacking scandals in Britain and the end of News of the World, Rupert Murdoch’s news outlet that began publishing in 1843.
The, on July 23, came the death of troubled British musician Amy Winehouse.
AUGUST
On August 6, came the worst single-day American casualties for the entire Afghan war, including a helicopter crash that killed most (25 members) of Seal Team 6. Since then, conspiracy theories have run amok with Jack Ruby-like tales of cover-ups and getting rid of witnesses. Everything is all top-secret of course, which only leads to further conspiracies.
On August 23, Libyan rebels took the capital city of Tripoli and ransacked Muammar Gaddafi’s (insert your own spelling) palace.
SEPTEMBER
I thought that the 10-year anniversary of 9/11 came and went without much fanfare, which I consider to be a good thing.
On September 16, American citizens took over Zuccotti Park in New York City and proclaimed their movement as Occupy Wall Street. Say what you want about their lack of a cohesive message or leadership, the Occupy movement swept the globe (there was even an Occupy Tehran!) and changed the national discussion from one of mortgage crisis and unemployment to one of income inequality between the uppermost 1% and the rest of the 99%. This conversation is likely to shape most of the election season for 2012, especially once the GOP picks their nominee.
OCTOBER
October was marked by two notable passings. One was Apple CEO Steve Jobs on the fifth. The other was the inevitable death of Gaddafi on the 20th. Call him evil world villain #2 to pass off this mortal coil.
NOVEMBER
On November 9th, longtime Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was relieved of duty in the wake of the sex scandal that rocked the university. Joe joined former Ohio State coach Jim Tressell on the sidelines in a year full of scandals and malfeasance in college football.
As a financial crisis rocked Europe, Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou left office on November 8th. That was followed by the resignation of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on November 11. I submit that never has there been another year in which so many longtime national leaders left office nonviolently. The European financial crisis remains one of the most ominous threats to global financial security as we go into 2012.
DECEMBER
I don’t even know how to shoehorn this one in but one year out from the 2012 presidential election, one has to note the chaos and clown car mentality that is the GOP presidential field. When Herman Cain suspended his campaign on December 3rd, it was just one in a series of astonishing statements and resumes for this group of candidates. At this point, it truly feels like the Republicans are going to choke away any chance to win an election against what has to be the most vulnerable presidential incumbent since Jimmy Carter. Of course, there’s still ten months to go and, as we learned this past year, anything can happen.
On December 19, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il passed away from heart disease. Call him global villain #3 in our death troika of evil super geniuses. Perhaps they are in hell trying to start a boy band and waiting for Syrian President Assad or Iranian President Ahmadinejad to fill out their numbers. Well, they’ve got nothing by time.
Again, you might assume that the end of nine-year war might crack the top three news stories of the year, but when the last U.S. troops left Iraq on December 18, it barely cracked the evening news for that day. I fear that this nation is so war-weary of hearing of roadside bombings, suicide vests, and drone strikes that any further news accounts from the Middle East tends to bounce right off our collective consciousness. I also fear that the current administrations increasingly secret drone wars and wanton treatment of civil rights could come back to bite them in the coming year’s election. We’ll see.
All in all, for a news hound like myself, 2011 was a remarkable year. Now comes the sequel: 2012. You know, the year in which the Mayan calendar says we all get canceled. Well, we all know they have to ratchet things up for the sequel. So, buckle in. It could be a bumpy ride.
Rock solid weather forecasting
With Pittsburgh in the danger zone of this year’s winter forecast by the National Weather Service, it was nice to see the first prediction FAIL of the weather year. Upon hearing the dire warnings of an overnight 1-4 inches of snow, I made the completely uneducated counter-prediction that the streets would be wet with rain in the morning. Turns out, I was right. I’m not one to gloat. And it’s not to say that this winter’s doom-and-gloom snowy forecast won’t be proved true come the end of January. I’m just sayin’ that New York City is about to wrap up the 3rd December in 140 years without a flake landing in the city all month.
That’s why, this year, I am getting all my weather info from my weather rock.
How does it work? Well, it’s a little complicated at first, but you just have to read the manual:
- If the rock is wet, it’s raining.
- If the rock is swinging, the wind is blowing.
- If the rock casts a shadow, the sun is shining.
- If the rock does not cast a shadow, the sky is cloudy.
- If the rock is not visible, it is foggy.
- If the rock is white, it is snowing.
- If the rock is coated with ice, there is a frost.
- If the ice is thick, it’s a heavy frost.
- If the rock is bouncing up and down, there is an earthquake.
- If the rock is under water, there is a flood.
- If the rock is wet and swinging violently, there is a hurricane.
- If the rock is warm, it is summer.
- If the rock is cold, it is winter.
- If the rock is missing, there was a tornado.
Weather Rock accuracy: 100%
And best of all, it’s online. More accurately, it’s on a line of twine in my backyard.
The Bagger’s first annual, last-minute Xmas gift guide
A Wonderful Winter Solstice to all my readers out there.
Have no fear; today is the shortest day of the year. Just when the weather couldn’t seem wronger; the days, they are starting to grow longer.
Wow. That’s my first poem ever. Could you tell? Shut up.
I don’t know why I haven’t thought of this before. I saw Mindbling’s last minute gift guide over at the Bitch Burgh blog and thought, Hell, I could steal that!
You see, besides being a renaissance blogger and general bon vivant man-about-town, I am also… “The Gift Whisperer.” Don’t know what to get that hard-to-please person on your gift list? Your troubles are over. You’ve come to the right place. I hereby present my top 10 gifts for those-who-have-everything-so-why-the-hell-do-you-have-to-spend-half-a-day-just-before-Christmas-trying-to-figure-out-what-to-give-them. So, forget the fact that we have like five hours of sunlight today. Let’s get shoppin’. And you’re welcome.
#10 – Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush and Dental Care
I first ran into the toothbrush when shopping over Thanksgiving weekend. It was in the Giant Eagle of all places. Now there’s a whole dental care kit. Features a song for the morning and for the evening. Two minutes of music, just the time dentists claim it takes to properly brush your teeth. And don’t forget Justin’s tongue scraper and the 55 yards of mint-flavored Bieber floss.
#9 – Dieting with Jesus
Dieting with Jesus magnets for the fridge. This is one of those intervention-type gifts. It says, “For you to get back into those skinny jeans is really going to take a miracle!”
#8 – LED Faucet Lights
You know you want some of these sweet LED faucet lights for the kitchen or bathroom. The blue light actually turns red when the water heats up. And if you are wondering, this is another reason the terrorists hate us.
#7 – Ninja Bread Men
‘Nuff said. Find them here.
#6 – Instant Snow
I know, I know, come January, this gift is akin to giving a gift certificate for ice to Eskimos. But when it’s 50 degrees on December 21st, as it is today, a little of the white stuff might put you more into the Christmas mood. Or how about for those relatives who live in the Sun Belt? Just add water, and voila!
#5 – Your Face on a Pillow
Because nothing will creep visitors out like your distorted mug on a pillow.
#4 – Star Trek Pizza Cutter
Pizza, the final frontier. You know a geek somewhere who has to have this. So, set your phasers on pepperoni and boldly go where no man has gone before.
#3 – Giant Swiss Army Knife
Keep it handy around the house, or carry it in your pocket and get a free vasectomy as a bonus gift! At $849, this baby is a little pricey, but who can put a price on something with 85 tools and 100 functions. And it does come with a key ring.
#2 – Bacon Gumballs
Once again, ’nuff said about these.
#1 – Santa gets his drink on
Yeah, that’s how we do it at the North Pole. Careful, don’t spill any of that precious Scotch. Santa only rolls with single malt! Most of these are probably sold out by now, but it’s not too late to put your name in for next year.
Bonus Gift – Finally, you can now give a flying F#ck!
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Bluz. You know you need one of these! It’s radio controlled. Or, you know what? Maybe this year, you don’t give a flying f#ck. Maybe you keep it for yourself and finally give a rat’s ass instead. They have those, too.
Happy gift buying. Glad we here at Carpetbaggery could lend a hand. We’re givers over here. It’s what we do. We’re all about the giving.
With a whimper
The Iraq war is over. You’d think that the end of a war that began on March 20, 2003, would engender a little more pomp and circumstance.
Check out what Times Square looked like on May 8, 1945 — also known as VE Day, the end of European hostilities in World War II. And this was after only three years of warfare. But this was an honorable war. It was not a war we wanted to fight. In fact, the U.S. had resisted sending any troops to Europe until January of 1942. This was back in the days when we only fought if we were attacked by another nation or asked to help by a country suffering from aggression. We were proud of the fact that the U.S. was not an invader or a regime changer. We didn’t poke our nose into other people’s business.
Today, nobody is in much of a celebratory mood. Sure, we won. Saddam is long gone. The country has a new government. After a short ceremony this week, U.S. troops handed over full military control to the Iraqis. No fireworks. No mass celebration. In fact, some folks are downright upset about it.
On Wednesday, Senator John McCain said, “It is clear that this decision of a complete pullout of United States troops from Iraq was dictated by politics, and not our national security interests. I believe history will judge this president’s leadership with the scorn and disdain it deserves.”
McCain still fears that Iraq threatens our national security. Perhaps he has forgotten that this date for pulling out American troops was set by the Bush administration. Perhaps he has also forgotten that the Iraqis have asked (i.e. demanded) that we leave. Perhaps he is unclear on the fact that Iraq is not our little toy to do with whatever we want. It is their country. If the new Iraqi government wants us to leave, we either start a new war with them or we leave.
As we go, here are some pertinent facts on our time in Iraq:
1 Trillion — American dollars spent or approved for spending through 2011.
9 Billion — Amount of money unaccounted for.
6.6 Billion — Amount of money stolen through graft and incompetence.
20 Billion — Amount paid to KBR, a former Halliburton division, to supply U.S. military in Iraq with food, fuel, housing and other items.
1.4 Billion — Overcharges from Halliburton classified by the Pentagon as Unreasonable and Unsupported.
20.2 Billion — Annual cost for U.S. air conditioning in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
5,000 — Cost per second of the war in 2008.
390,000 — Cost to deploy one U.S. troop to Iraq for one year
4, 486 — Number of U.S. military casualties as of November 30, 2011.
150 — Number of journalists killed in Iraq (98 by murder and 52 by acts of war)
14 — Number of journalists killed by U.S. forces.
10,125 — Iraqi Police and Soldiers killed as of July 31, 2011.
104,080 to 113,728 — Number of Iraqi civilian death (from Iraq Body Count)
These are eye-opening and tragic numbers. In a way, I guess you could count this as part of the total body count of 9/11 (since our invasion of Iraq was a direct result of 9/11)
That is a heavy cost for one nation to bear. And our cost was pretty dear, as well.
Going on, I have a sinking feeling that we are a nation that is somewhat war-hungry. We’ve created a beast that needs to be fed. You just can’t have billion-dollar corporations in the military industrial complex if there are no wars. In other words, we can’t make more bullets if you aren’t out there shooting any! And it’s not just bullets and accessories any more. Now, they are making the soldiers themselves. In fact, there is a new look for the American warrior. It is a leaner look. It is much more lethal look. It looks something like this.
Don’t get me wrong. I’d much rather there not be war at all. But doesn’t the use of drones change the way decisions to go to war are made? It’s painful to enter a war when it is fought by the sons and daughters of most U.S. families. It’s a little less painful to enter into war that is mostly fought by the poor. It’s fairly pain-free to enter into war if it won’t cost you any shed blood whatsoever. As Patton once said, “No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country.” It seems like that is now the official stance of the U.S. military.
You know, watching Star Wars, I always assumed that the U.S. military would always be more like these guys:
As it turns out, the U.S. military really wants to look more like these guys:
Anyway, happy VI Day.
Don’t worry, somewhere in Washington, they are already planning the next “engagement.” Tehran, I’m looking at you!
What’s happened to Hollywood?
Two years ago, I wrote a post about the sad state of creativity in Hollywood, how they aren’t creating a whole lot of new and compelling stories or characters. Most of what sells these days seems to be borrowed material from books, comics, old TV shows, or sequels to movies (usually bad ones) that sold enough tickets to demand a second or third (or more) installment. Sadly, things aren’t much better this year.
I used to love going to the movies. I vividly remember the first time I saw several movies in a theater. Often, they were movies I saw without knowing if they were going to be good or horrible. There just wasn’t as much buzz or marketing for films back in the 70s and 80s.
The first Star Wars movie came out when I was a freshman in high school. I wasn’t really a sci-fi guy. I was never into Star Trek and Buck Rogers and the like. Going into it, I had no frame of reference for what it was going to be like. It was a movie about space and rocket ships? And it’s supposed to be good? But the storytelling in Star Wars was like something we had never seen before. It was epic. It was mythological. It was like a great western set in space. Good guys, bad guys, showdowns, chases, and riding in to save the day.
I remember sitting with a packed house that stood and cheered during the first Rocky. This is a series that turned into a bit of a joke by the end but the first movie was genius. A rather unknown Sylvester Stallone not only starred in it but wrote the screenplay. In fact, legend has it that he finished the first draft in 3 days. Watching it today, the first film has a real indie feel to it. It’s really a great character movie with very little boxing in it until the end. It’s mostly a character study of a neighborhood leg breaker getting a risky shot at success. We see his awkward romancing of the shy pet shop girl, despite her obnoxious brother. It has some great lines. Mickey: “You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder!” Rocky: “She’s got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.” It has his gritty apartment, the Philly streets, and a great 70s feel to it. But it still stands up today. It was a movie made by a hungry and creative artist, not a rich, spoiled superstar. I only wish they had stopped making them after the second one.
In high school, I remember seeing the first Halloween movie with Jamie Lee Curtis. It was the first horror movie I saw in a theater, unless you count Jaws as a horror film. It was like going on a fantastic 90-minute roller coaster ride. I think I instinctively checked the back seat of my car before getting in for almost a year.
I also remember being with friends and laughing until we were in pain for the first Airplane movie. Ditto for movies like The Blues Brothers, Caddyshack, and Stripes. We went to these movies knowing very little about them. And we were blown away. We quoted them for months, sometimes years. Hell, I’m still quoting Caddyshack.
These were not just movies, they were events. Going to see movies like E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Godfather, Apocalypse Now, Alien, Back to the Future, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail are mile-posts in my history. They are moments that are burned into my past.
These moments just don’t seem to happen much any more. Maybe corporations are to blame. Maybe there are too many suits involved in the process that they ruin the creativity in the name of caution. Just as music was so much more inventive and grass-roots in the 70s while the corporate labels of today neuter musicians in order to guarantee commercial profits and cross-over success. Black Sabbath wasn’t worried about commercial success. They weren’t worried about winning over the country crowd. They just wanted to rock the world. Maybe it’s the same way in the movie business. Character and story telling has taken a back seat to 3-D, merchandise sales, and Happy Meal tie-ins. Checking the IMDB list of the 250 top movies of all time, only 6 of the top 30 were made in the past 10 years–3 of the 6 are Lord of the Rings movies and another is City of God, which most people haven’t even seen.
Can you even name a movie that should be in the race for Best Picture this year? Granted, most of the good movies come out at the end of the year. And granted, Oscar isn’t always the best source for what is truly a great film. Consider their biggest Best Picture mistakes: Ordinary People beating out Raging Bull, Crash beating Brokeback Mountain, Shakespeare in Love beating Saving Private Ryan, Dances with Wolves beating Good Fellas, and Forrest Gump beating Pulp Fiction. In each case, wouldn’t you rather watch the defeated movie today? And for the old timers, there is their biggest mistake of all time: How Green Was My Valley beating Citizen Kane. Yeah, sometimes Oscar is more about politics and schmoozing than honest critique.
Here’s the early handicapping for this year’s Best Picture race:
- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
- The Artist
- The Descendents
- War Horse
- The Help
- Midnight in Paris
- Moneyball
Others that may slip into the running include: Hugo, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Young Adult, J. Edgar, and Tinker, Soldier, Sailor, Spy.
Out of this list, I’ve seen one: Midnight in Paris. It was okay. Nothing I’d put up there for Best Picture.
How many of these movies are we going to be dying to see in twenty years? Who’s to say, I guess. All I know is that about the only movie currently in theaters that I really want to see (and I haven’t seen anything since the summer) is The Descendants. I’d like to see War Horse, but Mrs. Carpetbagger cries every time the preview comes on and doesn’t want to watch a horse suffer for two hours, even if it has a happy ending. I also know I’m going to want to see both the Dragon Tattoo film (big fan of the books) and Young Adult (love both Charlize Theron and Patton Oswalt).
Other than that, it seems like a big fat “meh” kind of year for the movies.
Too big to jail
My question today: Why are so many jail cells empty?
More specifically: Why have their been no trials, let alone convictions, for the hedge fund managers and corporate CEOs who sent the world economy into a death spiral while they walked away with huge salaries and bonuses?
Nothing. Not even one prosecution.
60 Minutes did a two-part story on this last week. If this interests you at all, you should check it out online.
The prosecutors they talked to suggested that it is very hard to prove that there was intent and malice rather than just plain bad luck and incompetence. They say it isn’t a crime to take stupid risks. Stupid. Really? Now these guys are using the lack of intelligence defense? Like these guys weren’t Ivy-league geniuses with egos and appetites that drove them to insane practices. They knew that either they’d win their risky bets or get away without consequences. They’re still filthy rich. So who are the stupid ones?
A more cynical person like myself might conclude that rich people don’t like seeing other rich people going to jail, especially those on the inside. So, what they do is they pick off a few outsiders with their hands in the cookie jar and send them to the hokey as a smoke screen.
Think about it. Are you telling me that Martha Stewart deserved four months in jail for blabbing about some information she received to her broker, and yet Angelo Mozilo, the CEO of Countrywide Mortgage, never even saw a courtroom despite making $470 million as his company engaged in predatory lending practices? Most of his money was made by dumping his company stock even as he proclaimed his company healthy and urged others to buy in. This guy was the Josef Mengele of the financial crisis. But Martha Steward had to do time. Right.
Are you telling me that former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is doing 14 years (with a mandatory minimum of 12 years without parole) for trying to sell a Senate seat? Okay, he also withheld funding for all Illinois hospitals for 30 days in an a separate extortion attempt. Look, I’m not saying the guy was innocent. He’s a scumbag. But 12-14 years in a federal pen? What about the CEOs of Wall Street? Lehman Brothers hid billions in loans from its investors. Bank of America lied about billions in bonuses. Goldman Sachs failed to tell clients how it put together the born-to-lose toxic mortgage deals it was selling. Not only did they not get jail time, they got to keep the salaries and bonuses they received during that time.
Barry Bonds will probably be doing jail time for lying about taking steroids. Prosecutors are asking for a 15-month term. If he serves, it will probably be much less but it’s amazing that he would see a single day inside a jail cell for his crimes while Standard & Poor’s Kathleen Corbett goes Scott-free after slapping AAA seals of approval on large portions of the riskiest pools of mortgage loans to lure investors into loading on collateralized debt obligations (CDOs) that are now unsellable. All the time, her company was also being paid for their ratings by the Wall Street firms she was rating. As one S&P analyst wrote in an email, “[A bond] could be structured by cows and we would rate it.”
In the nineties, Savings and Loan CEOs went to jail. Enron and Tyco execs went to jail. In the 2000s, Bernie Madoff went to jail. Their biggest crimes: not working for well-connected and politically protected Wall Street firms. Those same former Wall Street execs are playing tennis on their Long Island mansions and floating on their yachts.
Suckers go to jail. You and I go to jail. Pot smokers and Occupy protesters go to jail. Not them. Not now. Not ever.
Friday Fun
Enough with the politics and Penn State and all the serious stuff. It’s time for something fun and uncontroversial. Like religion.
Meat me at the manger
Who wouldn’t believe in a Nativity scene… made of meat!
Warning: this is probably not Kosher. And yes, baby Jesus is a cocktail weenie wrapped in bacon swaddling clothes. You got a problem with that? Born in a manger of bacon, to remind him of heaven, no doubt. And all on a bed of straw-like sauerkraut.
All you atheist vegetarians, bend a knee to your Father Frankfurter, Sausage Son, and the Holy Ham.
(Looking up for lightning. No? We’re good? On we go…)
When logos go bad
Okay, this is totally not a big deal in the scope of things, but did you catch the new logo of the now Miami Marlins?
It used to be this…
Granted, it’s not the New York Yankees or Boston Red Sox. A little heavy on the teal perhaps. But check out their new look:
Someone got paid for this? It looks like the logo for a mass transit system, not a sports team. The Marlins are opening their brand-new retractable-roof stadium this year. Hence the change in name and colors. Here’s the new uniform:
All I can say is: Ow, my eyes! Since when is puke a color? Didn’t have that in my crayola box.
Let’s hear it for the old black and salmon… and yellow… and light blue…
And the best part is that the entire thing was predicted in the 1998 movie Baseketball, by the guys who do South Park.
On the left is the new jersey; on the right is a shot from the movie. Today’s Marlins didn’t go with the Miami Vice font, but maybe they should have?
Good luck, Marlins. No, really. Maybe now you’ll get more than 10,000 people to a game.
Advances in transportation
Okay, maybe downhill rock skiing is not your idea of a good time…
Yeah, that’s definitely gonna leave a mark. But, there have got to be some more out-of-the-box ideas for advances in land transportation besides the car, truck, and train. We really haven’t improved much on those over the past 100 years or so, save for the comfort of the seats and the sound of the stereo.
Hey, here’s somebody using the ol’ noggin’!
It’s called the Schweeb. It’s a pedal-powered monorail and it’s at a theme park in New Zealand. Holy crap, I want one of these, pronto! I know what you’re thinking. What happens if you bump up against someone going too slow in front of you? Two of these cars end-to-end go faster than one! (See drafting in a NASCAR race.) Google is sinking some big cash into this thing. Since Google now has a Pittsburgh office, I say they need to experiment with it here. Somebody make this happen!
Perspective… I gotz some.
Let’s end this Friday with perspective. MSNBC always has some incredible images in their photos of the week. I’ll wager that no matter how much your job sucks or how bad your week went, you’ve got it better than this Guatemalan sugar beet farmer. He makes $8 a day. And he’s going to need to spend part of that on some Jurgen’s! I’m just sayin’
Bonus Extra…. War Crimes Edition
No, this is not real. But we can all dream, can’t we?
Have a great weekend!
